Multiple photographs flashed in front of me as the screen projected several slides. I stared at each photograph pass as I felt a chip on my throat. I was trying to hold my tears back when I saw a photo of a mother and a father embracing their children. I felt the blithe on their eyes upon seeing it and I remembered my family. I remember those days when we would dress up nicely to attend mass and afterwards, watch a movie on the cinema, have dinner together, or go to a studio to have a family portrait. We used to have lots of photos together. Both happy ones, and serious ones. I miss the wholeness and the smiles we had. I miss the bonding and the sweetness my parents had. I miss my brother and my sister because as we grew older, my siblings and I grew apart. I wouldn’t say we were ever close. We fought, we yelled, we laughed, like all other brothers and sisters do, but I never opened up, or told them how I felt. I didn’t think it mattered to them, I didn’t think I mattered. At once, I had opened my mouth and told them what I wanted to do for my future, my goals, my ambition, my passion. As I was talking, no heads were turned towards me, no ears were opened up to listen. So slowly, I cleared my throat and stopped. The only thing I’d wish right now is for us to be happy again, to be whole again. It’s been years since we last went out on a trip together. We may have traveled different places already but we haven’t been in the same place together. I may not show it to them but I’ve been yearning for the love we used to share.
They say that a family cannot be broken by anything. But maybe they’ve never sat on their beds and stared up at their ceiling and realized that they have been lost in their whole lives, and that they have always been homesick.
I was in a photo studio yesterday and I longed for a family’s touch // unsteadytides
“If I should have a daughter…“Instead of “Mom”, she’s gonna call me “Point B.” Because that way, she knows that no matter what happens, at least she can always find her way to me. And I’m going to paint the solar system on the back of her hands so that she has to learn the entire universe before she can say “Oh, I know that like the back of my hand.”
She’s gonna learn that this life will hit you, hard, in the face, wait for you to get back up so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air. There is hurt, here, that cannot be fixed by band-aids or poetry, so the first time she realizes that Wonder-woman isn’t coming, I’ll make sure she knows she doesn’t have to wear the cape all by herself. Because no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. Believe me, I’ve tried.
And “Baby,” I’ll tell her “don’t keep your nose up in the air like that, I know that trick, you’re just smelling for smoke so you can follow the trail back to a burning house so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him. Or else, find the boy who lit the fire in the first place to see if you can change him.”
But I know that she will anyway, so instead I’ll always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boats nearby, ‘cause there is no heartbreak that chocolate can’t fix. Okay, there’s a few heartbreaks chocolate can’t fix. But that’s what the rain boots are for, because rain will wash away everything if you let it.
I want her to see the world through the underside of a glass bottom boat, to look through a magnifying glass at the galaxies that exist on the pin point of a human mind. Because that’s how my mom taught me. That there’ll be days like this, “There’ll be days like this my momma said” when you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises. When you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you wanna save are the ones standing on your cape. When your boots will fill with rain and you’ll be up to your knees in disappointment and those are the very days you have all the more reason to say “thank you,” ‘cause there is nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline no matter how many times it’s sent away.
You will put the “wind” in win some lose some, you will put the “star” in starting over and over, and no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life.
And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting I am pretty damn naive but I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily but don’t be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it.
“Baby,” I’ll tell her “remember your mama is a worrier but your papa is a warrior and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more.”
Remember that good things come in threes and so do bad things and always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.
Your voice is small but don’t ever stop singing and when they finally hand you heartbreak, slip hatred and war under your doorstep and hand you hand-outs on street corners of cynicism and defeat, you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother.”"
Tell me you have it worst if you have a family that does not appreciate you or even want you to follow the foot steps of your dreams. Tell me you have it worst if they keep on pulling you down, telling you that you aren’t responsible enough to achieve anything. Tell me you have it worst when you have both of your parents in the same house but they never talk to each other. Tell me you have it worst if your progenitors aren’t together anymore. Tell me you have it worst if you have a handful of ailments that have been constantly ruining your fantasy. Tell me you have it worst if you can’t tell people whether you’re fine or not, if you can’t speak the words you want to speak, and if you are often silent because you are afraid of what might the people around think when you start talking. Tell me you have it worst if you had your heart broken a dozen of times. Tell me you have it worst if you have a phobia in being embarrassed because you’ve been in several scenarios that have mortified you and made you awfully weak. Tell me you have it worst if you inhale everything around you, even the ones that prick your skin, burn your eyes, and slice your soul. Tell me you have it worst if you don’t have enough ability to make your love ones proud. Tell me you have it worst when all you want to do is to fall into your lover’s arms but you can’t. Tell me you have it worst if you don’t go to church with your family as a whole anymore, if your Sundays aren’t what most people call a “family day”, and if you long for a bonding since you were 10. Tell me you have it worst if you aren’t sure of what you will be in the future and if you are being dragged down by your own mother. Tell me you have it worst if you hear the screams of your parents’ arguments everyday, and if you are deafened by your mother’s complains. Tell me you have it worst if you aren’t given the chance to shine, and if you had numerous of chances to take but had zero confidence to actually ace them. Tell me you have it worst when you are being judged by your own friends, and if you’ve lost a couple of twenty people. Tell me you have it worst if no one, even your father, understands you. Tell me you have it worst if you don’t feel “home” in your house and you desperately want to run away. Tell me you have it worst when you are imprisoned by your own insecurities. Tell me you have it worst if you are distanced miles away from that one person you want to be with. Tell me you have it worst if you have a disease that is unbearable and that is impossible to be healed, if you are both emotionally and physically sensitive and unstable, and if you’ve tried killing yourself for fifteen times but you aren’t courageous enough to do it because you care about your family.
Tell me you have it worst if you have encountered all of these. And if you haven’t, darling, you don’t have it worst. You have a family that loves you dearly. You have your friends with you to understand you. You are more than what people tell you. You are more than the bandages you tuck in your pockets in case your heart or body bleeds. You are more than the paint splashed late at night when your ears are ringing from the overwhelming silence around you and when your eyes open the floodgates of pain. You are more than the screams and cries you gather and store in your lungs. You are more than the deserts, train tracks, and road cracks you’ve mapped on your body. You are more than the voices in your head suffocating you in their whirlwind of lies and drowning you in their abyssal sea of darkness. You are more than words.
And if you have experienced or if you are experiencing all of the things that I have stated above, brighten up a little, because you are not alone.
A preview of today in crappy video quality.
Here’s to the boy who holds a rainbow with his one hand and chases storms on the other one.
Tomorrow is supposed to be your first birthday with me but I unfortunately could not make a way to celebrate it with you since you’ll be in Manila. But I hope this one worked and that the surprise did not fail. God, I was so stressed the whole week because of the time management between school work and the plans I had to arrange. I was so tensed and nervous the whole morning. I had to ask everyone to cooperate and I even requested for our song to be played. I was even shaking and I almost broke my phone but wow it was all worth it right after I saw you smile and right after you hugged me.
I won’t be able to see you tomorrow but please do think of me and the line of those days when our eyes were worn out and our jaws were painful from smiling. Think of me and my eyes that are staring at yours. Think of me and my hands clutching into yours. Think of me, who has hope in the words you write and the stars you create. Think of me because I will be there, beside you. Think of me because no matter how down you are, I will always be that wobbly-kneed, torn-apart girl who will hold you together with trembling fingers and quivering lips. I will be there when your heart runs out of love and your eyes coughs up darkness. I will be there when you are solitude and when you are bliss, when you are tears and when you are lovely giggles. Think of me because even when I’m not with you, I will always try to find a way to make you feel that I am. Remember that you are the sky, and I am the ocean, and we will always be there to count on each other with our suns and moons and stars.
Thank you for every ecstasy that you have given me for the past 10 months. Thank you because you saw me struggle and yet, you never left. You are aesthetically full of kindness. So, please stay that way.
Happy birthday in advance, you beautiful soul. If I could, I would barge into your house right now and thank your parents for your mere existence.I love you so fucking much.
( Also, thank you for the incredible help, Polo, Carlo, Jayann, Kim, Dhey, Yeng, Lyle, and all the other people who were there. I appreciate you guys so much )